Neva Thought Love Would Feel Like a Heart Attack...

*Deep sigh*.... i have been here before. I have visited this lane many times. Just didn't think it would happen this round. I'm experiencing Disappointment in someone who I really thought would get it right. I have totally lost respect for this person period. I have to try my best not to hate anyone cause it isn't healthy and it gives them power in your life. I can clearly say "your kryptonite has lost its affect on me patna".

Being in love can be a beautiful experience and end in a beautiful nightmare. If you believe in someone with all your might and try your best to encourage that person to be the best they can be. You cannot will a person to do right, You can only be yourself. Treat them the way they want to be treated and expect the same in return. Tsk Tsk....hence all those things were done so yeah I hate being disappointed.

I think its a damn cloud hanging over my head when it comes to love. I love hard. Make you feel like a man. I respect, love, support, pray and give my all. I'm not a "yes" woman by any means. I have an opinion i command respect and i hold my own period. I'm learning as i grow that sometimes i may come off a little demanding and disrespectful. If that is because I'm not bending over backwards to please you when you're not holding down your end not even really trying your best...i would say I'm a mega bitch.  Women nowadays take so much, hold in so much, hurt so much. I'm tired y'all.

I've taken all i can take. Made excuses in my head for some behaviors and incidents that i normally wouldn't have. I've doubted myself, I've just gave too much to this situation because I believed this person really truly loves/loved me....but he isn't prepared for me yet. Yeah i mean he needs life to catch up to him and smack him in the face so he will realize he is wrong. I wanna marry you, i want to grow old with you, you are the love of my life....sounds so good, so good. Actions must back up those verbs.

It's just like me to have an epiphany after having a great evening chatting with my cousin that i snooped around and found some info that finally gave me insight into the man i was dealing with activities while not in my sight. It didn't sadden me. It pissed me off at first...then i felt palpation's anxiety kicked  in, text message is being created, delivered, responses are being ignored because I'm fed the hell up! There is nothing left to say.

After the anger left the disappointment kicked in hard. It felt like someone snatched my heart out. Pain in my chest like a HEART ATTACK. I sat in complete silence until it died down. No phone calls/text/email came to me. All the bad things that had went through the year it all flash before my eyes. All the good didn't even matter no more. I think i really experienced my first nervous breakdown. Did allow that to keep me from my normal duties as a mother? No! Did it affect my bank account? Did it impact my livelihood? No!. It showed me who i was really dealing with.

Sunday was a great day...my big cuz came over to help me with some things in regards to my new poetry book and we ended up talking bout a few things. She really set me straight about my situation at hand. I really appreciated her being open and sharing her experiences and allowing me to be transparent with her. I have been trying to save a person from his own destructive behavior. He may love my dirty drawers but he isn't ready to put in the work right now to hold on to me. I'm cool with what has to happen for me to be happy. I must learn to just walk away and not hold on to nonsense situations. It has consumed too much of my attention, my time, and my attitude. Gotta let it go.... in the words of my boy Trey Songz. "In too deep can't think about giving it up cause i never knew love would hurt like a HEART ATTACK"