The blues are different this year....

This is my face after this years events!!!!

I been in a big ole ball of sadness and misery this year. Everything that has happened has had a good a and bad effect on me. If you have been keeping up with my blogs here and and on www.dripsofbuddasluv.blogspot.com you know my relationship fell apart and then my best friend, my confidant, my work, my shero lost her battle with cancer a few months after finding out. I learned a whole lot about me.

I always have had people relying on me to be the strong one. I have tried my best not to fall apart. While i miss my mother dearly I know she wouldn't want me hanging my head. I made it through this life looking to my mom for honest advice and no judgement. Where shall i get that from now? I don't know. My father is alive and well but i don't know that guy and he don't know me.I still sit and talk to her from time to time hoping whatever I ask her comes into fruition one way or another. I've had people i know lose a parent but you never know what it feels like till it's yours. Man I miss her laugh.... *sigh* I miss her kisses, her lap, her honesty. 

When I went through a serious situation early 2012 my mother was my strength... she told me everything was going to be okay. I wish i could tell her the same thing when the doctor told her she had Stage 6 cancer...I got so weak but i dared not let her see my worry. She ended up vomiting after they told her...nervous stomach... Never have I saw my mother that weak unless she had a migraine. Broke my heart... it was already broke from my recent relationship so it turned me numb. I never ever thought my mother would not be here...she was only 56. 

my mom my angel

She passed away knowing that she did her best...i made sure i told her how much i loved her, respected her and appreciated all she has done for me and my siblings and our children. Hardest thing is letting go...I was her power of attorney and everything SHE wanted was done. I don't have a selfish bone in my body...but when it comes to my mom i just wanted her to have a chance. She made her peace with everything and everyone... she was a beast to the end. Nothing can prepare you to bury your mom. September 13th is the day she decided to go into eternal rest i got to see her, talk to her, play in her hair, and kiss her 2 hrs before...if i knew she was ready i would have stayed. I get emotional just talking about her transitioning cause she went fast...2 weeks. God knew that she was ready and my grandmother and my great aunt were there waiting for her. I was ready for her not to suffer...whether she got better or went to be with the lord i just didn't want her to be in pain, be sad, helpless, and embarrassed that she needed the help. She was dignified. 

most beautiful girl in the world

I know y'all prolly tired of ready bout my mom but so what...she occupies my mind daily. I can't call her. I can only look at pics. listen to people tell me how much i look like her, sound like her, and of course I'm "mean" like her...it's not the same. I hope anyone reading this goes and hugs, kiss, call, and love on their mother. I wish i had a million more opportunities to do that. I have all her belongings in my basement. I grab a shirt with her scent on it and cry...and before y'all say anything i do see someone for grievance counseling. I'm fine. I spent my first Thanksgiving, my 37th bday and now Christmas, and her birthday is coming round the corner without her....back to back to back. I don't even want to be around people...just too much right now.

my mom bout 6-7yrs old

my mom on her 50th birthday

I'm rambling but I feel better sharing with y'all. I'm not looking for any sympathy I just shooting my usual spillin what's on Budda's mind right now. Typo's and all...this is my blog. Thanks for reading.