Sunday thinking

As I sit alone in my house I'm bored slightly irritated and thinking to damn much. I should be enjoying my quiet time and doing things that help me relax...but no I'm doing bills and searching for a new house. I'm looking around thinking of what is going with me and what will be trashed. I'm trying to figure if I wanna move out the neighborhood and risk moving the kids around in school. I'm thinking it will be so much harder cause I'm without a vehicle nor friends to help me out. I'm THINKING tooo hard!
I get the normal advice pray about it, plan it carefully, everything will fall in place. *blank stare* this fear of things falling apart affects my childrens sanity as well as mine. I'm more worried about them having to make new friends and adjusting to new teachers and surroundings. Notice my thinking went to worrying. I have been in this situation before but now the kids are older and I don't wanna keep uprooting them like my mom did me and my siblings. This landlord is a piece of work and I refuse to live like this...I will live in a shelter first.

Worry wart...thinking too hard and procrastinating are several of my flaws I need to work on. Trusting and not relying on others for my happiness is another. Am I too hard on ppl I expect the best I get my needs met no. I have a friend who always tells me I'm the strongest woman he knows and he prays for the best in me to continue to shine. I thank him and hope I live up to his dreams for me. I always said I wouldn't let folks get me down...and thye won't. I've been cool as a cucumber and will try to see things in a more positive light. Being strong comes with a price people are always leaning on you, always expecting you to rise to the occassion, if they see tears or defeat in you they don't know if they should step in and help or let u "work" through it.

I can only can speak for me I WANT some of this pressure off me, more than y'all know. When I'm stressed it affects every part of my motherhood how I interact with family and friends and most of all how my kids view me...they see me as a strong stern nurturing funny woman they don't get a chance to see mommy cry or worry. My mom kept us in the dark about a lot of things...I wish she hadn't I wish she shared some of her hurts so I would know how to handle them when they came my way. She had her reasons.

A few months ago I was prasing God (and still do) for allowing me to find another job that fits my efficiency without all the extras (I.e. being cussed out harrased or tried by the immature staff we had) he delivered and I'm grateful but of course the asshole of the department I'm in has reared her head. I'm not mad either I love being a threat and my work will not suffer. I've learned in new surrounding just sit back and observe ppl. I don't offer info and I don't ask either. Ill be there a long time long as I stay in my lane.

Alright I'm done rambling. Have a great Sunday.


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