Makings of me "Consequences"

Y'all know the old saying a hard head makes a soft butt... yeah my butt is baby soft. We go through this life making many mistakes some are for the best. They help us grow, they help us teach. They give us that bright bulb above our heads telling us "it didn’t work the first time goofy, what make this time different?"

Waited till I was well into my teenage/adult years to let a boy touch me...because of the "consequences" my mom said would happen and had already got my little sister. Yeah, pregnancy and loss of freedom. Met a guy at 19 and became swallowed up in his cars clothes drugs. You name it I was lost in the sauce. Two years later I was his baby mama...yep those "consequences" caught up with me. It didn’t quite turn out the way I wanted. I was given the good old speech and handed some cash to dismiss my seed *side eye* how bout you step and I'll handle this. Time after time I thought of how my life would have been if I did that...i'm sure my conscience would have been destroyed. That little boy is my heart. He saved me from a lot of stuff. The consequences of me keeping him...I stopped being all into that man and paid attention to my son and my life. I’m very happy with my decision.

Now I suffer the "consequences" of being cautious, non trusting and outspoken...because when I was younger I was meek, I was fresh, I was blind. I allowed folks to take my kindness for weakness, to play on my emotions and give me a lot of grief. I got back into church real heavy after i had my second child in 2000. I was depressed, withdrawn and i felt alone and hopeless. I went faithfully and cried and prayed and in a years time had completed almost all the membership requirements.
Then Satan reared his head and sent me into a whirlwind. Making poor financial decisions and sending me into some heavy debts. That was "consequences" of not being financially stable. Paying rent i couldn't afford alone and not getting the support necessary to care for my kids from their dads. I just fell apart. I didn't allow people into my drama. I regret not staying in the church and getting my spiritual support that may have helped with my financial issues. Consequences of leaving the membership and baptism never happened. I've been saved... i just need to return to church.

I always analyzing the if’s and nots and driving myself crazy doing my self criticisms of myself. I think I’m pretty well rounded but I’m so damn cautious now. Imma need a crystal ball soon to tell me what to do next. But ya know what I’m blessed and need to let this stress go. My children are older and wiser than I thought they tell me all the time to chill out everything is going to be okay. I think I will take the little peoples advice.

I'm typing this on my lunch hour ill be back to finish...don’t judge. Yes I published it undone lol.


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