Makings of me "Father Figure"

this is from my fathers day entry for 2010..i wanted to share it here...i will add a addendum to the end.

Today is the day we salute our fathers and thank our heavenly father for his blessings. I give all props to the people who take care of there biz. That goes for men and women. There is much influence in the world and your parents stand out in the forefront of that. When u have an absent parent in ya life that u know is alive and well it breaks your heart and makes u wonder why wasn't I important enuff in ya life for u to make a effort to be around ya kno. Y'all can go head on with that let it go ish its not your situation or ur heart and mind that's hurting. Its not ur what if ur wedding or graduation that was missed. Its not ur kid who has noone to call grandad or grandma. Its not ur inner struggle to make it through this life. I wonder every day what my life would have been like if my dad was around. Maybe I wouldn't had to put off college to work and help mom. Maybe I wouldn't have experienced the heartache that some men have forced upon me cause I didn't have his guidance. Maybe I wouldn't be jealous of my half bro and sis cause they got what I never got. His love and guidance. I'm not angry I'm just not understanding how ppl go on day knowing they haven't did right by their kid. I'm a strong woman strong mother... but think how much greater I could have been. They don't give u a manual when ur raising kids u kind of wing it by ear. My kids have the benefit of having fathers will great families who don't mind picking up where they slack...that's another story right there. I'm just greatful my 2 kids know their dads spend time with em and have presence in their life. God has been so good to me even in my confusion so today will be the day I will never speak of this again. Its out their its off my heart and old news...but just understand 33 years of questions don't go away or heal overnight and that's real talk.

*addendum* after this was written i received a very long email from my step sister who felt i was "dogging" our father. i had to help her realize i don't have he same attachment memories and so forth she has so i cant really be compassionate about my feelings. i'm 34 yrs old and don't know how it is to have a father/man in my life cause i didn't experience it. i'm still a strong women without his guidance but what a difference his presence would have had.
As always thanks for reading.

**sing Mary*