Makings of me "Family"

Lemme start this off by saying we don't get to pick our family... but if we could it would be a powerful gift wouldn't it?

I am blessed with a honest mother who shielded us from many things but as we got older slowly gave us the game about what to expect from folks. I've always been that person who shied away from family events because I just didn't feel like being bothered. Didn't feel the support or I just knew my mouth would get something started. After my sis reminding me of how many things I kept the kids from cause of me not coming I did it so the kids could get acquainted *sacrifice for the babies* fast forward to today and I just don't give a damn.

I have the pleasure of having both sides maternal & paternal families close by. My paternal cousins came in to my life later in my teenage years so we didn't grow up together. My family on my mom's side we had weekend sleepovers and had a lot of fun when we were kids. Marriage took us away from that. We have always been involved one way or another but of course grew up and grew apart. I've been hell bent on starting a connection back and maybe even merging some of my fam together. Can we just say "not gonna happen"

This Christmas I was trying to shake the sadness off...I've had a crazy year ppl. I won't rewind the track just read my stuff, and now its back to the time of year that I wanna erase. I tear up when I speak of it so I won't type it either. I just wanted to be distracted from all the bull so I set out to have a Christmas potluck that didn't happen. No stop through drop offs calls nothing. All I got was cancellations, snubs and oh wells...my feelings were very much hurt. Had to keep the million dollar smile cause I'm super Angie. I'm not. I hurt I cry I feel I am human. That bitch exterior is real but inside I'm very much a lady. My Aunt stopped by even tho this has been the hardest year for her and I really do love her for putting her pain aside to come support me for even one hour. Key word *support* I am surrounded by selfishness. Ugh!

Well that damn anger management session I took was good for me but I need to have a outlet before I blow up. That goes for family friends and anyone else who steps to me with some new shit. I'm fed up and I was better off the way I was. Staying in my own lane. Its funny I'm trying to see what positive happened this year and its escaping me. Smh that's exactly why I'm breaking from the madness. Maybe when the clock hits 12 on January 1st ill see the light. Idk *sigh* fuk it I guess time will tell. Thanks for reading my negative thoughts...peace ppl.