I'm still gonna smile...it looks good on me

I remember when i still had my car i would go to the lake by the Shoreway, sit and meditate while watching the ocean waves against the Cleveland sunset. It was so relaxing and its one of the places where i could talk to God and in many ways he talked back silently. I don't have much of an outlet lately don't get around as well cause I don't have a car or a buddy who will go out there way to take me.Anyway, I'm sitting here thinking about some things and re-reading some old blogs. It's crazy i can read stuff and remember the exact moment, action, and words that were spoken.

Today i sit here content. Why? Cause i have clarity...i have all the answers i need right now. I chose to no longer wait for anyone to give me the answer i desire. I have been the most patient, honest, and supportive individual and haven't been given the same in return. From May til today I have been pushed to no end to not give a fuck about whats going on with anyone outside my home. That would be me and my children. Family is another stressor for me cause no matter what I'm always helpful, always willing to listen, always willing to support someones cause. But let me tell ya when ppl get mad they say exactly whats on their mind even if they know it was told to them in confidence. I learned that strangers ain't the only people who talk behind your back and make judgements about you. But for clarity anyone who is in the same bout I'm in, may wanna keep their comments to themselves. This time i chose to not go postal and let them eat cake...

When it comes to matters of the heart i gotta throw my hands up...cause I've been left in limbo. That's a clear message that even a blind man can see. I've been here before and its not a good feeling. It's bittersweet cause not but month  ago i proclaimed my love in the Love and Truth Challenge, and it was clearly reciprocated on the blog comments. Then life showed up and the slate went blank. No I'm not trying to figure anything out anymore. I'm exhausted and I've been through some things that have made me bitter and have hardened my heart. Yeah you can say don't be like that but over the years, i have had plenty ups and downs, and the downs out number the ups. Time to take a pause....don't know how long but i know i am half at fault. I will accept that and move on.

Some things make you question yourself...is there something wrong with me? What i say or do? What do i need to work on? and so on and so forth. I have the answer...yea i do. SHIT HAPPENS! Life is not supposed to be EASY! Love is something you work on, build, share and it doesn't change whether things are going good or BAD. You will get over it and you shall MOVE ON. I've had my days when i hung my head and cried or instead of getting out hid in my house watching movies and being depressed. *looks around* what the hell is wrong with me ya know!? There is one thing for sure..i woke up Monday morning listening to my Kirk Franklin mix while getting ready for work and no lie, that song Smile....stopped me in my tracks. Then on the bus i get my daily prayer text from Joyce Meyer
Philippians 4:11 "i am not saying this because i am in need for i have learned to be content whatever the circumstances" NIV


That was all i needed a message and i received it loud and clear. I am content with whats going on around me. I choose not to put myself through anything else unnecessary. To those reading this saying she telling all her lil business, guess what this is my personal blog and you clicked it to see what I'm talking bout so just learn something, and remember three things


1. True unconditional love doesn't hurt, ignore, or play games
2. Family can be as bad as the enemy and sometime you have to keep your distance to maintain your cool.
3. Life comes at you fast and if the weakest most trivial things change your whole outlook on life, love, relationships you shall have a miserable existence.


I've been on some real stuff lately and i feel good about it. As always people thanks for reading my random..yet scattered thoughts. Peace & Love and all SMILES.





~Budda