Foolish Heart...random thoughts

I'm in a mood today, not a bad one. Just feel forgotten and unappreciated. I tell you that this isn't the first time i have always managed to bury my feelings and disappointment and just smile. I have been very quiet about what has been going on in the love department cause truly i really don't know. I read the blogs from the Love & Truth Challenge and I can say everything wasn't as solid as i thought. I have managed not to be angry at anyone who has caused me any heartache or embarrassment. It comes a point in your life that you must check yourself and make sure something your doing isn't contributing to your situation. I am so holding back on dogging myself because truly i feel that i'm a good woman. Honest woman, faithful woman, loving woman. I don't see any flaws. I'm direct and not passive at all. I step back and let the man be a man...ride or die chick you can lay in my lap and pour it out or hand me the gat and ill be your Bonnie. But i can't do it alone...cannot be a one sided situation.

Am I looking for love to replace the non existence of a father in my life?  He was around but then just walked away when him and mom decided to call it quits. When he came back i didn't embrace him. I was angry cause he didn't think we were important enough to stay in touch. In so many ways my current situation is resembling this. When a person doesn't feel that you are worthy of the fight. Worth of trying to make it work. Just doesn't make you feel special anymore. There are some selfish, prideful, people in this world who would give up the perfect romance cause of life issues. No matter how much support was offered REJECTED.

Still held on with a passion cause i know it was meant to be. A message came to me a few days ago, i won;t share it cause it was meant for me to hear. In few words YOUR WASTING YOUR TIME. I received that and i'm gonna go forward and live. Everything in the dark will come to the light and whats real is real whats tainted in junk and i will continue to stay polished amongst the many fake and tarnished stones in this world. (dissect that at your leisure)

It's hard to share this with the people i call friends cause people always say things that they don't know are hurtful. Things like get over it, move on and other mess like that...is not helpful. Thats stuff you say when its a fling, not a relationship. I don't care to hear that.I have spent some dark days alone just trying to adjust to things. I would go out kick it smile, grin, sing, dance have fun then someone asks where is he at and mood is changed. Anyone who has ever experienced that kind of heartache and tried to hid it don't. You will end up in a dark dark place...with a hardened heart and a confused mind. No amount of apology will ever fix my outlook when it comes to love. Any man who enters my space will have a hard time convincing me. Thats just the way it has to be. I will be 35 in November with two tween-agers and great job and a lonely heart. Didn't see it coming...i really didn't. It is what it is. Feel free to leave a comment I'm getting it out my head and i hope it helps me.