Love we had...stays on my mind

Its not easy giving up...but what are you supposed to do when you see no change and less attention to making things right? Wait patiently? Tried that. Pray about it? Pray for clarity? Look for a sign as to whether stick in there or let it go? I just don't know anymore. One thing when you find someone who makes you feel the way you have been wanting to feel for years, one thing you don't want to do is give up. People will say "girl. he ain't worth it" "i wouldn't give him any more attention" " he doing his thing you should do the same" yada yada yada...i listen but i know my situation better than anyone else. One thing i don't know is where that persons head is at. You love me I'm everything your looking for, my soul mate, my lifeline BUT your mouth is too damn strong, your disrespectful in the manner you address me. I thought my strength is what you fell for, my ability to express my feelings without being fake 0_o. Y'all men kill me.

Let me explain that last line. You enter into a relationship with a woman who has her own. Own house, bills paid, kids cool, has a decent job. She not relying on anyone to take care of her, not even the father of the children. She has maintained this for years. she has had to assume the role of mom and dad, breadwinner, disciplinarian, and etc. She allows you room to come in and be apart of her life. She tries to let you be the "boss" thing..even tho you not all the way there yet. Marriage proposal made with conditions. Things go good for a few months she notices she is falling back into the trap of being "the breadwinner" and asserts some new rules. She is not trying to belittle you she just jumps into panic mode cause she cant sit and watch her small empire fall apart. (Stay with me) She tells you what she needs (not wants) from you and you take it as she is trying to tell you what to do instead of taking a step back and seeing that what you're doing is not cutting it. You take advice from your homies that are A) cheating on their woman B) going through a divorce C) 30+ still penny and nick-ling there way through life. Of course those 3 fellas don't want to see you be "tied" down. I never will say another man can get into another mans head and fuck up his thought process but i witnessed the shit firsthand. 

You think things are resolved after having a heart to heart and agreeing to do some thing different and have patience. Obviously only one person was willing to change cause the other chose to take a trip...then ask for some space to get themselves together. IT went from 2 weeks till she had enough of the long distance calling, the unanswered calls, the man excuses and arguments that never got resolved.

 Is the person taking accountability of the rift they caused...nope. Its your fault cause you didn't go with the flow. Some people are programmed to think you should deal with anything in the name of love. I cant do it. i really cant.Lots of lonely nights and days have passed and i sometimes want to reach out and call and hear his voice and see how he is doing but why? I'm doing him a favor by giving him a part of me...my attention and concern. I am by no means trying to teach a lesson i just think you have to know how it feels to be without someone to honestly say i cant see myself without you. I cant live without you. The love we shared stays on my mind and will be there forever....almost start thinking something was wrong with me.

I've lost weight...not cause im starving myself. Its like i had to look at myself and say its time for a head to toe change. Start thinking, eating, and looking different. Maybe i am too aggressive. Maybe i dont allow men to take charge and i dont know how to step back. I wasnt raised like that. I watched my mom do everything. As a single parent and as a wife.Thats what i was used too. We had some great times while we were together. They used to outweigh the bad but now all i can think of is the bad. Shrugs... guess ill put this to rest and whatever will be will be...oh well.

Thanks for reading my long winded blog. :)