(Emotions - Destiny's Child)
I sit here and i reflect on the things that have occurred in my life recently and those around me and it's not a perfect picture. I felt bad for myself for so long and just when i was getting right my mom fell sick. Before that my sis was going through some things. I had an aunt lose her battle with cancer. Just a lot of stuff going on. I'm at a point where I'm ready to let some things go. Not that easy. Crazy thing is the accomplishment i have completed are being overshadowed because i guess it is just not that important to me but it should be, its my dream.
I need the past to just be erased like total recall. The last two years have been so life changing. I went from on top of the world and head over heels to a low I have never been before. I discovered who was really for me and who was really laughing quietly behind my back. Funny thing is I'm more better off than most I know. I think I am a good person, a decent mother, a caring daughter , sibling, and friend. I try to make people smile...even when deep down inside i'm in so much pain. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I just don't like to see anyone hurting.
Most of this year I spent feeling bad about my engagement falling apart and acknowledging that it was just not meant to be fixed. I love so hard. I don't think I have fought so hard with myself about something like this ever. I just replaced the person and kept it moving. This time is different I was burned in several different ways and I can't let that pain go but I do not allow it to consume me. Just sitting here thinking about it makes me sad. I have to allow time for this to process out my system. Hence no new man in my life. Plenty of suitors but my trust issues....they just won't allow me to believe anything.
I share a lot in my blog not for sympathy but to let those who may be having the same issues as I am that you are not alone. I sometime hate that the choices I have made in life have cause me lots of tears, sleepless nights, and much much more....but hey it's life. I allowed myself to doubt myself...not a good look. I need a lot of work...I go to counseling/anger management faithfully. I have good sessions and I have bad sessions. I always feel much better when I'll go. I encourage you all to try it. Sometimes calling up a friend doesn't help...trust me. I guess one day I will be fixed. Long as i know god has me I'm all good....
the past, present, and (worrying about) future... is all that's on my mind.