I don't know where I'm going or what I am supposed to be doing but I know i will not go out without a fight.
I've been down and trying to put up a front but i am scared for my future. I don't want to be the dark cloud in the room so I stay away. I don't want to shed tears over a loss because people I love are receiving what they want. They have what I will never have again. My mother's touch, kiss, and her unconditional uncensored advice. A man's unconditional love, admiration, and respect.
|Me my sister and my mom on my sis bday|
|me and mom cuttin a rug at my 35th bday party|
It's hard being happy for other people and I think it part of the grieving process. I have wished so many times that I had more time to dote on my mom. That she had time to do everything she wanted to do. It was God time she was on...we all are on. I'm so glad she had love on her side from her man, her children, family and all the people who adored and respected her. She had been married 2 times. To my biological father, a good man named Gerald Branch (RIP). She had a man in her life when she passed who not only a great companion to her, but her best friend. She told him she would be fine...she would get better but she knew she wasn't. He cried for her and I know he loved her. She was loved and she is missed.
|My mother and my stepfather Gerry wedding day|
My fear is I won't have the same ending. I don't have that love in my life right now. I have had that feeling of unbreakable love but not quite. The things I got going on in my life I don't see it. It's my fault. I have to live with this pain. I can't expect anyone to understand my plight it is truly complicated. It's not for the world to know the particulars but just know I am taking responsibility. This is not what i envisioned for me but it is my reality.
|alone with my thoughts|
Most people reading will say what is she talking bout she is beautiful, strong, motivational, inspirational...and whatever else anyone thinks of me. What is important is what I think of myself. I feel broken and unfulfilled right now. I haven't been the best at much lately cause I have become disinterested in things that used to get my blood going. My hero is not here and I don't have a parent living on this earth. All I have is the love of my children, and my family and it just not enough right now for me. God is a great listener and I'm sure he hears my cry for help...I can be fixed but until then I'm broken and disconnected. Not the way to live....
Thanks for reading...