Looking for a release...or two or more

I have been slowly releasing things from my heart lately. I've been growling a lot over things that don't even matter at this point. I have grief issues, life issues, health issues, daddy issues and frankly I'm done with all these issues. I am still here living and breathing the air God has afforded me. 

GRIEF:  I'm not quite over losing my mother. She was my safe space and now i don't know who to trust with my secrets. It happened so quick I couldn't shower her with as much as I wanted to too cause she declined so quick from the day she was diagnosed. I have been in such a shell and it's cause I don't want people tip toeing around my feelings so I stay away. Some things may remind me of her. I don't have a poker face so emotion shows easily. Things are getting better though. I know she wouldn't want me feeling like this. Everything will ease up in time but I'll never forget or let anyone around me forget about my mom. She was important. 

My mom Rhonda and me at my 35th bday party

LIFE: Being a mom is a struggle. It's also a choice so I dare not say I'm struggling because I have kids. I am not struggling. I'm just keeping us together and we are getting by just fine. I used to say I should have made better choices as to who I had children with, but I wouldn't change a thing. My kids are not by any means blind, crippled, or crazy. They are apart of me and their father's but I would rather they be influenced by my decisions than theirs. They're not criminals, they don't hurt people. I think it's a matter of they are still intimidated by me. I always keep my kids together. If I say no it's for a good reason. I just want to have responsible children. I want them to be better than me. I just want a teeny tiny break from them once and awhile. They stay under me cause who else do they trust but the person who always has their back? Mommy. My son will be 18 at the end of the year...but still in high school. I'm proud cause he graduates May 2016 if he gets his mind back in the books. My daughter is my little granny...she will be in high school with her brother next school year. My little ones are my life. Eternal.

2009 before they were teens

MY HEALTH: Can't share much of those details with you all but I can tell you the decisions you make during the prime of your youth will come back around to smack you. Drinking heavily, smoking, and being stressed out will tear your body down. I might add being promiscuous and not using protection is never smart no matter what age you are or the status of your relationship either. There is nothing like getting to where you want to be only to be told you need to slow down. Blood pressure, weight issues, and depression are some of my issues that I'm working on. It's a process but I'm trying to be around to see my babies have babies so change is necessary. I used to be out kicking it dancing and having fun and then i got in a relationship and just stopped. Got too comfortable... paying for it now. All my fault. We have to take a good look at our decisions. They most certainly come back to haunt us. 

Daddy issues: Over the years I've held anger in my heart for the man who helped bring me into this world with my mother. I don't honestly know how to address him since her has never been a father, nor a daddy to me as far as i can remember. I don't even know if I should even feel bad for that. As I'm typing this its his 60th birthday today. I did tell him happy birthday on facebook. I don't feel any love for this man. I feel sorry for him. I don't know him. I was 9 or 10 last time we even stayed in the same house before my mom left California and moved back here to Cleveland. Who just walks away from their kids and starts over fresh like we never existed. That's the thing that irks me. You are not a good father if all of your children know your heart. First born issues i guess. These are the times i miss my mother. She still never said a bad word about him. The day she died was the day i felt i lost my parent and nobody will be able to take her space or fill in. He didn't even call to tell her sorry or apologize for leaving her waving in the wind with his daughters. Ugh... I'm going to get my answers this summer. He supposed to be on a family trip and I plan on getting my closure. Wish me luck y'all. 

 

Alright I'm going to stop here... my thought got clouded by the same anger I've been pushing down my throat. One day I will exhale and it will be gone. Right now its fuel for me to keep pushing. Peace y'all 

Thanks for reading,

Budda